My 17th Last Cigarette
-By Sudhanshu Saxena
“I think I need to vomit.”I said.
Semi conscious, unaware of things happening around me, I was uneasy but at peace. I don’t remember where I was and who all were there with me, walls were blue and there was a fan right above my head going in slow circles, making creepy noises causing my head to throb like my heart. I was constantly telling myself I need to put myself together and somehow reach washroom but my body just didn’t obey me at that time. I mentally prepared myself I will count to 3 and then I will use all my strength to get up. I can do it. I stirred myself up. I started counting.
1…..
2………..
I never counted to 3. I don’t even remember what happened. After sometime I heard someone calling my name from distance. The voice was of someone I know, know very well, I just wasn’t able to make out who it was. I felt a palm on my back, like someone trying to lift me up. I woke up, there was light in the room, blinding white light, but its intensity became lower and lower with each passing second. Within few seconds it was bearable. It was all blurred the faces around me, unfriendly and bothered. I started searching for my spectacle; it was nowhere to be found. Out of nowhere I started crying, like a 5 yr old kid. I was not sure why I was crying, but my brain had a faint image, a whisker of a memory that I had reminded me that I was in pain and it’s ok to cry. In the midst of all this chaos happening I found my spectacle. There was no one in the room.
“Sud you need to hit the washroom ASAP, get a grip on yourself.” I spoke to myself.
I got up, dizzy and nauseatic, on the verge of breakdown. Everything that surrounded me added a pinch of gloominess to the room. Packed food leftovers were scattered like carcasses of dead bodies, chicken bones and pizza boxes with cold drink bottles inverted creating puddles. The room was like a village that was evacuated on short warning. The stale smell made me feel alive. I used my shoulder as a stand making my body lean against the wall. I switched the light off and stood there for few minutes to regain my composure. I couldn’t move my hands or my legs; they were numb due to no blood flowing in them for a long duration of time because of the awkward position I slept in. As blood gushed in my veins I felt resurrected. I started walking towards the washroom, bumping into walls and doors.
I somehow managed to reach the main hall, switched the lights on after accidently switching on TV. There was a guy sleeping with guitar on his chest in playing position, all strings broken and spread all over his torso. He was a friend of mine; I just couldn’t remember the name. I tried hard but gave up. Brain throbbed with every attempt I made to use it. Right next to hall there was room which had an attached toilet to it.
I somehow crawled my way to the room, switched the light on, a friend of mine was sleeping on the floor with his earphones still on and bed was covered empty pizza boxes. I couldn’t remember his name either, this time I didn’t bother trying. I was in a bizarre state at someplace I can’t recall.
I reached washroom. It was hard to shut the door, I realised after making endless failed attempt. I gave up, for a moment I stood there wondering what am I doing here? I started looking around; there was someone else in the toilet.
There was me, and one other guy i couldnt recognise. His eyes were red, hair all disturbed, with a fresh cut on his nose that bled till it stopped automatically creating a trace of dried blood stream on his cheek. He was staring down at me, with his ghostly red eyes right into mine. He imitated every move I made, and smirked. He stood in the mirror and froze right there. I came closer and closer till I could feel his breath, see pain inside his eyes. I gently took my finger and placed it very carefully on his cut. He smiled. Then very carefully I placed my finger on my cut. He imitated and screamed. So did me. I wanted to exchange places with him. In his world there is no existence of pain. I felt jealous and puked.
I kept vomiting. It was like I kept gaining momentary consciousness to help myself up to the wash basin, vomit, leave the tap on and then go unconscious again.
“I need to smoke” I got up and I found myself sitting in one corner of the toilet. Legs crossed with my thighs touching my chest and my arms gripping my legs close to my body. I got up, splashed some water on my face and turned the tap back off. I stood there by the basin, searching my jeans pocket for cigarette, I took my mobile out in 1st go.
4 Missed Calls
1 New Message.
I decided to read the message 1st
“Its over b/w us, it will b better 4 both of us if u simply accept this.. Plz dnt call again..”
Ah crap! I called her again drunk and doped. I don’t even remember making that call let go the context. But it was clear whatever I was unconsciously trying to do didn’t work out. Be it whining, crying, begging or screaming. Just went all wrong. I decided to check my other pocket. Smoking seemed all the more necessary suddenly. I took the cigarette packet out, there was a paper neatly folded into four equal folds. I started reading it. It had all disturbing stuff written on it. And it ended with-
I Love you !
Always yours.
The cigarette packet seemed less painful. The packet had something written on it in my hand writing.
“Promise me Sud, this is your last cigarette.”
I took my last 17th cigarette out and smoked in complete silence, playing with smoke. I don’t want to get back to reality I thought; I just want to live in the moment, unconscious and unaware of whatever happening around me with no memory what so ever.
-By Sudhanshu Saxena
“I think I need to vomit.”I said.
Semi conscious, unaware of things happening around me, I was uneasy but at peace. I don’t remember where I was and who all were there with me, walls were blue and there was a fan right above my head going in slow circles, making creepy noises causing my head to throb like my heart. I was constantly telling myself I need to put myself together and somehow reach washroom but my body just didn’t obey me at that time. I mentally prepared myself I will count to 3 and then I will use all my strength to get up. I can do it. I stirred myself up. I started counting.
1…..
2………..
I never counted to 3. I don’t even remember what happened. After sometime I heard someone calling my name from distance. The voice was of someone I know, know very well, I just wasn’t able to make out who it was. I felt a palm on my back, like someone trying to lift me up. I woke up, there was light in the room, blinding white light, but its intensity became lower and lower with each passing second. Within few seconds it was bearable. It was all blurred the faces around me, unfriendly and bothered. I started searching for my spectacle; it was nowhere to be found. Out of nowhere I started crying, like a 5 yr old kid. I was not sure why I was crying, but my brain had a faint image, a whisker of a memory that I had reminded me that I was in pain and it’s ok to cry. In the midst of all this chaos happening I found my spectacle. There was no one in the room.
“Sud you need to hit the washroom ASAP, get a grip on yourself.” I spoke to myself.
I got up, dizzy and nauseatic, on the verge of breakdown. Everything that surrounded me added a pinch of gloominess to the room. Packed food leftovers were scattered like carcasses of dead bodies, chicken bones and pizza boxes with cold drink bottles inverted creating puddles. The room was like a village that was evacuated on short warning. The stale smell made me feel alive. I used my shoulder as a stand making my body lean against the wall. I switched the light off and stood there for few minutes to regain my composure. I couldn’t move my hands or my legs; they were numb due to no blood flowing in them for a long duration of time because of the awkward position I slept in. As blood gushed in my veins I felt resurrected. I started walking towards the washroom, bumping into walls and doors.
I somehow managed to reach the main hall, switched the lights on after accidently switching on TV. There was a guy sleeping with guitar on his chest in playing position, all strings broken and spread all over his torso. He was a friend of mine; I just couldn’t remember the name. I tried hard but gave up. Brain throbbed with every attempt I made to use it. Right next to hall there was room which had an attached toilet to it.
I somehow crawled my way to the room, switched the light on, a friend of mine was sleeping on the floor with his earphones still on and bed was covered empty pizza boxes. I couldn’t remember his name either, this time I didn’t bother trying. I was in a bizarre state at someplace I can’t recall.
I reached washroom. It was hard to shut the door, I realised after making endless failed attempt. I gave up, for a moment I stood there wondering what am I doing here? I started looking around; there was someone else in the toilet.
There was me, and one other guy i couldnt recognise. His eyes were red, hair all disturbed, with a fresh cut on his nose that bled till it stopped automatically creating a trace of dried blood stream on his cheek. He was staring down at me, with his ghostly red eyes right into mine. He imitated every move I made, and smirked. He stood in the mirror and froze right there. I came closer and closer till I could feel his breath, see pain inside his eyes. I gently took my finger and placed it very carefully on his cut. He smiled. Then very carefully I placed my finger on my cut. He imitated and screamed. So did me. I wanted to exchange places with him. In his world there is no existence of pain. I felt jealous and puked.
I kept vomiting. It was like I kept gaining momentary consciousness to help myself up to the wash basin, vomit, leave the tap on and then go unconscious again.
“I need to smoke” I got up and I found myself sitting in one corner of the toilet. Legs crossed with my thighs touching my chest and my arms gripping my legs close to my body. I got up, splashed some water on my face and turned the tap back off. I stood there by the basin, searching my jeans pocket for cigarette, I took my mobile out in 1st go.
4 Missed Calls
1 New Message.
I decided to read the message 1st
“Its over b/w us, it will b better 4 both of us if u simply accept this.. Plz dnt call again..”
Ah crap! I called her again drunk and doped. I don’t even remember making that call let go the context. But it was clear whatever I was unconsciously trying to do didn’t work out. Be it whining, crying, begging or screaming. Just went all wrong. I decided to check my other pocket. Smoking seemed all the more necessary suddenly. I took the cigarette packet out, there was a paper neatly folded into four equal folds. I started reading it. It had all disturbing stuff written on it. And it ended with-
I Love you !
Always yours.
The cigarette packet seemed less painful. The packet had something written on it in my hand writing.
“Promise me Sud, this is your last cigarette.”
I took my last 17th cigarette out and smoked in complete silence, playing with smoke. I don’t want to get back to reality I thought; I just want to live in the moment, unconscious and unaware of whatever happening around me with no memory what so ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment