SUICIDE NOTE

-Sudhanshu Saxena

(FOR MATURE READERS ONLY. 18+ CONTENT. )

'I can take it no more,
I am done.
I am so fucking done.
I just want to end this never ending struggle called life.’ She told herself.

She was sick of dealing with all this pain, guilt and shame.
She decided to take it out on herself. She was depressed and had a brain full of chemicals that told her that the best way to cope with all this pain was to end her very existence. She was not sure how to go about it, it was her first time, and she wanted to make sure that this time she achieves the result she desires, unlike all the other times in her life where she failed miserably.

She was considering all the options. The first method that popped in her head was to tie a rope to the fan of her room, where she had spent last 7 days of her life, crying when no one was watching, the same room where she sat in dark for hours staring into nothingness with her brain having horrible thoughts, thoughts that would scare and repel any mortal if she poured them out, the same room where she spent most of her time lying in her bed, sleeping, because she would rather be asleep than fail at dealing with her problems, drifting away from reality, eyes closed and just like that it’s all gone, reality can no longer touch her, the same room where she lost all hopes of things getting better, which led her into realization of how lonely she actually was and that nobody even cares. She tried imagining what it would be like to hang from the fan, and instantly felt suffocated by the idea. It was a painful way to end one’s life and hence she decided to look for other options.

She wanted a painless and suffocation free method of killing herself. A procedure that would go smoothly with almost no probability of failure, therefore a lot of traditional options like jumping off, immolation, driving a vehicle off from a height, drowning, poisoning etc were not an option. There were chances she might survive and would end up making her life more miserable than it was now. She wanted something really effective.

She thought about putting a bullet through her head, but then again where the fuck would she get a gun from. Even if somehow she manages to get a gun from somewhere, and then shoot herself, she would end up turning herself into an ugly dead body. She would hate to look ugly in her final social appearance i.e. her own funeral. She wanted to look good at her funeral so that people would look at her and feel sorry for her. They would regret treating her the way they did. What a sympathy seeking loser she was, she thought. She hated herself all the more for being that way. Then suddenly it struck her.

‘I am going to slit my wrist;
yes that’s what I am going to do.
I’ll slit my fucking wrist.’ She mentally chanted.

Plan was perfect; she would slowly bleed to death, 20 minutes into slitting her wrist she knew she would be unconscious and everything from there on wont matter.

She had that lovely pair of diamond earrings that her mom bought for her when she was 6, the very same year her mom committed suicide. December 31^st 1996, when her mom left this world, and before she killed herself she told her daughter not to be afraid of anything, not to follow any rule, not to listen to anything that did not appeal to her common sense and told her to protect her brother from any harm that might come his way. She was way too young to interpret any of that, all she remembered was her mom kissing her forehead one last time and then a lot of people crowding her house, crying and screaming.

She did not shed one single tear; she clutched her 4year old brother and sat in one corner without troubling anyone. She did not grasp the concept of death well, and for her it was liberation. When she saw her mom for the last time, she was smiling, probably the only time she saw her smile so brightly, she was happy. And just like that she was gone, the two loud voices that duelled in her house every morning, one of them was heard no more and was replaced by a shriller voice, her step mother. She posted those earrings to her brother who was now in National Defence Academy telling him to give it to his wife someday and that mom would have wanted him to do that. There cannot be a better day to leave this hell than the same day her mom did, she thought. So, the date was fixed, method was finalized, and she was all set to press the self destruction button.

Before she executed the plan that would lead to her liberation, her salvation, she felt the need to write one final goodbye letter to the world. She sucked at writing, the only thing she had written that got some appreciation was an essay on cow when she was in second grade, from then onwards everything she tried writing was a disaster. She knew a guy whom she could trust with anything, even with the job of writing her suicide letter. He was like an ocean; you can throw anything into it and expect it to sink in without any trouble whatsoever, he had infinite empathy, and had that ability to put himself in anyone’s shoe. The kind of experiences he had told her about, were so weird that she was certain that he would be able to digest this too. She decided to ring him up.

“Hello, I need a favour.”
-Okay, hi, I am pretty use to people calling me up only when they need me, so shoot. What can a useless moron like me do for you?
“Stop with the sarcasm alright, I am not in mood. Do it for me, one last time.”
-I did it for you when you asked me to write that poem on you BF’s birthday;
that was supposed to be the last time if I recall correctly.
“Why the hell do you have to remind me of that jerk? Are you going to do it or not?”
-Okay, okay, if it’s within my capabilities I will do it, anything for you ma’am.
“I want you to keep this completely confidential, and I want you to swear that you‘d never speak of this to anyone unless it’s my wish.”
-Okay, you can trust me, to be very honest I have a bad feeling about this. What exactly do you want me to do?
“First you swear; you will keep this under wraps.”
-Okay, okay I swear. Now will you tell me what do you want from me?
“Meet me lakeside in 15mins”
-Are you fucking crazy? Its 11:40pm, and December, you want me to come to lakeside? Are you out of your goddamm mind? If you are feeling horny, trust me I am not the right guy for all this. Watch some…
“I want you to write my suicide letter.”
-WHAT???
“Come alone”
-IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE? ARE YOU TRIPPING? YOU ARE TRIPPING, RIGHT? I AM HANGING UP AND GOING TO SLEEP.
“Lakeside the usual rendezvous point and don’t be late.”
-THIS IS SO NOT HAPPENING. YOU ARE DRUNK OR HALLUCINATING OR SOMETHING. THIS CAN’T BE FOR REAL.
“If I smell something fishy, I am gonna kill you first before killing myself.”
-OH MY FUCKING GOD. YOU WANTED A FAVOUR RIGHT? NOW YOU ARE KILLING ME AND SHIT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? STOP BULLSHITING ME YOU CRAZY BITCH. I HANGING UP AND GOING TO SLEEP.
“Don’t you dare hang up, If you don’t show up, I will write just one line note, blaming you responsible for my suicide.”
-NO, I DON’T THINK YOU’D DO THAT? WOULD YOU?
“Trust me you don’t want to find out.”
-URRGGHHHH FUCK! SEE YOU IN 15. AND IF THIS IS RESULT OF SOME KIND OF YOUR MISPLACED AND RETARDED SENSE OF HUMOR YOU ARE SO DEAD.
“I already am.”

He was too familiar with that tone of voice to ignore that, he knew something was horribly wrong with her. This was not the first time he was faced with a situation where he had a suicidal friend reaching out to him for help. He quietly picked up the car keys and without anyone noticing he pushed the car two blocks away from his home before firing up the engine. He was in yet another weird situation. He was surprisingly calm about it.

He stopped the car few hundred metres away from the decided point of their meeting, and started walking towards the set destination, he saw her sitting there, all alone, staring into the reflection of light into water. He decided to take few minutes to analyze the situation, he quietly stalked. She was absolutely still, he decided to call her even when she was right there in front of him, her phone began to ring; she wiped her tears and picked up the call.

“There you are.” He said before she could say hello.
“Don’t you think it’s too cold out here? I’ve heard there is strict police patrolling around here and I don’t want to explain myself to a drunken policeman looking to squeeze some compensation from society for making him spend miserable time, wandering in this chilly weather. Let’s go to someplace better, where we can light up a fire, and sit in a carefree way.” He added.

She was shocked by the composure he was displaying, she was expecting a little more agitated response but then again this is exactly the reason why he was the chosen one, just the kind of guy you need to carry out such things. She wondered what was behind all that calmness, is he a robot camouflaged in human skin or just someone who doesn’t give a shit about anything, either way he would suit her requirement.

“There is a bottle of whiskey behind my seat, in the seat cover pocket, and glasses in the dashboard. Pour me a glass, and you can pour yourself one too if you want.”  He said. Just to kill the silence as they drove through completely deserted roads of the city. He noticed her swollen bloodshot red eyes; it was evident that she must have been crying and crying a lot. She poured whiskey, and handed him a glass and took one herself.

“If we die in a car accident, it’s all on you. I need alcohol to digest bullshit and if you think I am going to ask you questions sorry to disappoint you, I am not going to ask you anything, because if I ask then you would have to come up with an answer, which means you’d have to think about it, and then you will probably start crying, I hate crying chicks inside my car, brings back a lot of bad memories, then I might have to leave you stranded in middle of road at this time of the night, and I would not like that one bit. God, this whiskey is good. Read the name on the bottle, and pour me another one.” He said.

“It says Whyte & Mackay. Here is your peg and go easy on booze Dev D, you need to remember everything that I am going to tell you tonight, okay? By the way how come you don’t know name of the whiskey? You didn’t buy this one or what?” She said, smiling a little. That smile was a ray of hope for him.

“No, I didn’t buy this one. I just picked this one up from the showcase in my dad’s study; I thought the situations like the one we are into right now need some good alcohol to go smooth. It’s some badass expensive booze; a client of my dad gifted him as a token of gratitude. It’s one of the benefits of having a teetotaller dad. You can replace bottles of Whyte & Mackay from his showcase with bottles of cheap McDowell’s whiskey and he wouldn’t even notice as he cannot differentiate, he doesn’t care. Pour me one more, we are almost there.” He said, and she was grinning now. From a smile to a wide grin, it was going smooth so far, maybe it was the alcohol or his smooth talk and calmness either way they both were at ease. He thought now was the right time to probe into the damaged brain of hers.
He wanted to do it as painlessly as he could. He stopped the car.

“Come, bring the bottle too. And try not making any kind of sound.” He said. It was a small hill situated on the outskirts of the city, a place perfect for absurd hangouts like the one they were having. They both slowly walked towards the edge of a giant rock, which was protruding out from top of the hill. It was a perfect place to sit and talk, view was breathtaking, you could see the entire city from that point and no one will disturb. They collected few sticks lying here and there with the help of mobile’s flashlight and lit up a fire. The warmth was soothing and they sat down facing each other with fire between them. He lit up a cigarette.

“You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?” He said. She gulped the content of the glass, took a deep breath.

“I was 6. I use to wake up to my parents screaming at each other; it was month of December year 96, I heard my dad abusing my mom it was louder than usual, I stepped out from my bed and started walking towards those voices, the loudness was maddening I tell you. There, I saw my father hitting my mom; he slapped her so hard she fell on the ground; her mouth was bleeding. I felt helpless, I wanted to kill my dad, and I ran towards my mom and hugged her as tightly as I could. My dad saw me, and the coward stormed out of the house. I still don’t know who was at fault in that argument but my mother proved her innocence. She took her own life few days after that incident by poisoning herself. Her entire body turned blue. I still have that image in my head; I wonder what I could have done differently. Sometimes I think, if me and my brother were not born my mother would have broken all ties with that monster and would have left him for good instead of taking her own life.” A drop of tear ran across her cheek, as she spoke, her voice became gloomier.

“You need more whisky, I guess. Bring me your glass. Come and sit here, it will be more convenient.” He said pointing to a place right next to him. She got up and handed her glass to him, he poured more whisky as she continued.

“Do you mind putting off the cigarette? It makes me feel nauseous.” She said as she sat down to right next to him. He stubbed the cigarette into the ground and wondered what was more nauseous, the cigarette or her sad talks.

“I have had nightmares ever since my mother died; I use to see her poisoned blue body in my dreams, which scared the shit out of me. I use to go and sleep right next to my brother, I was 13 and my brother was 11, it was again a December night, I again had a nightmare, I woke up covered in sweat, and so did my brother. Seeing me pant like I just ran a marathon he got up to get me some water, when he came back, he asked me come along with him; he was scared as if he had seen some ghost or something.  I followed him, we saw my dad having sex with my step mother. We were kids, and this aspect of human behaviour was alien to us, out of curiosity we tried what they were doing, and we kind of liked it, we continued doing until we became mature enough to understand that it’s a sin.” She said.

It was like the whole surrounding was struck with a lightening. Was she saying she use to have sex with her brother? He wanted to get a sword from somewhere and put it right into his ear through his brain and out from the other one. Somehow he managed to keep a straight face. All this was too hard to hear even with the alcohol diluting intensity of every word she spoke.

“Enough of alcohol for today kid; take it easy. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He said and took the bottle away. She snatched the bottle back and poured herself another one.

“Even after we were mature enough to realize that it was a sin that we were committing, we continued kissing, and decided to keep it our dirty little secret, until he went to NDA few years ago. The kind of atmosphere we had while growing up, anything that would soothe the pain was not sin. I just really fucking hate myself, I am always a little sad, I think it’s better to die than live this awful life with this guilt, shame and this dirty secret. Knowing that nobody loves you, nobody cares I resolved into doing something I shouldn’t have. I don’t expect you to understand either; I know it’s hard to imagine what it feels like wanting to kill yourself. I know how you must be feeling right now; you must be disgusted by me, right?”  She asked.

“No, I am not disgusted by you; I know how it feels wanting to kill yourself, you must have decided some method in which your body remains in good shape as you were haunted by your mother’s poisoned blue body, slitting your wrist may be. I see a mark on your right wrist; you have even tried it just to get the feel. You would want to kill yourself in December as all the pathetic things should have the same month so that your brother mourns for this one month only not for the entire year. You must have given all your priced possession away. I notice those earrings are missing that you love so much and never let anyone touch. I know how you must be feeling and I am not disgusted. In fact I am wondering why you didn’t reach out for help sooner. You have known me since past so many years; you’ve been handling this entire burden all by yourself, fooling everyone into thinking you are happy and doing fine. I am not feeling disgusted by you, I am feeling pathetic about myself that I failed as a friend, I was never able to provide you with the comfort so that you could open your heart in front of me without having fear of getting judged. I am so sorry. I should have known better.” He said.

She was stunned by his answer, she hugged him. Maybe it was alcohol that made her do that but she was not sorry, in those 5seconds she felt so comfortable. She finally felt understood and that feeling was way more pleasing than anything she ever felt before. She broke into tears.

“I have had this secret buried inside me since so long, when I told this to my ex, after going out with him for a year and a half, the mother fucker couldn’t handle it. He told me that I was a whore, and I have no right to live, and he would not want to see my face again. I have decided that I want to live no more, I want to end my pathetic existence and I want you to write my story as an anonymous person. I wish I could explain myself to everyone, that I am not a bad person, I have made mistakes, but I am not sure how to say it, I fear getting judged by others, so I just my feelings bottled inside me but one day they are all going to spill out somehow, and I am scared of how that’s going to turn out.” She said.

“It’s never coming out in public, why are you scared? Who is going to make it public, your ex?”
He asked.

“May be. He is kind of a jerk, I am afraid that he might have told all his friends about this by now.” She said.

“Give me your phone.” He said.

“No! why? What are you going to do? Stop, don’t do anything silly. You are drunk.” She said resisting him from snatching her phone but in vain.

He called her ex.

“Hello, Sameer?”

“-yes, whose this?” answered a sleepy voice.

“Dude, I am so sorry about your small penis man. She wasn’t able to say it on your face that you weren’t man enough for her, so she made up this sex with her brother story, so that you end up dumping her, I thought that was stupid you deserve to know the truth.”

“-What the fuck? Who are you?”

“I am the guy with bigger dick than yours.” He said and kept the phone down.

“What the fuck, what did you just do? Are you crazy? How did you know he had a small penis?” she asked. Still trying to absorb what just happened around her. She was in shock.

“Well I didn’t, but now I do. A guy who acted like that when his girl opened her heart in front of him after dating him for a year and a half is bound to have a small penis and I was so right. Anyways he would rather die than telling your secret to the world, because your secret has no proof, but his secret he carries in his pants 24*7.” He said.

They both laughed. The sun was about to come out, and the sky was filling up with feeble sunlight. She was glad she called him; she was this new person who starts fresh leaving all the dark shadows of her past behind. She never felt so alive before. All she wanted was someone to open her heart to; someone who would accept her for who she was, and love her for that, she survived when her brain wanted to kill her. She had committed suicide that night and a new girl was born. The thought that dwelled upon her was hope.